I Want to be a Porn Star!
What is it about the lure of exhibitionism? ‘Jack’ considers the temptation of wanting to be in a porn film … but not yet making the leap.
Boogie Nights (Click images to enlarge)
If I had a fiver for each time I’ve been told I should do porn, I’d be able to pay my rent for a month. Considering that I live in London, that’s quite a number of people. Some of them have even suggested it after we’ve met up, and not simply as part of the chat-up routine. And to be fair, that’s over a fifteen year period of sexual activity, so it’s hardly as if every other man on the street is turning round and shouting, “Oi hot stuff! You could give Colby or Woody a run for his money!“
I’ve even had a couple offers, although I suspect neither was serious. Being offered the title role in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Boner is the most memorable conversation opener I received as an Uni student on Gaydar. I think the guy who suggested it was kidding. To this day I wonder whether I should’ve gone along with it and seen where it went. Anyway, the Harry Potter broomstick has long since flown (what is the latest parody porn bandwagon now? The Hung Games? Twinklight? 69 Shags of Gay?) and I’m probably designed more for a different market now. Or no market at all – if the resounding silence from certain publishers, after I’ve sent in casual enquiries in response to their appeals for new models, is anything to go by. But that doesn’t seem to stop the regular comments I get about wanting to see me doing porn. I’ve even occasionally been offered cash for sex. Because apparently I look like I should charge for it. Not that I’ve taken the bait. Yet.
Truth is, I don’t even care for most porn all that much. I’m certainly not anti-porn, I just kind of have a low attention span while watching it. I suspect that’s not unusual in people who really enjoy sex for its own sake – they’d rather be doing than watching. There’s an element of wishing I was part of the action. That, and after a while, it’s just “Oh, look, they’re having sex. They’re STILL having sex. Hmm. Does he look bored? Yes Jamie, that IS a big one. Oh, I think I once shagged on some sheets like that.”
Men at Play
It’s really quite difficult to find good porn to watch. By that I mean the kind I want to make, and be part of. I suspect I’m not unique in liking to be amused while I’m turned on. And certainly stimulated — and not just in that way. Much as I appreciate a Men at Play suited session, or games of doctor, or tutors and lecturers being seduced by knowing mature students, the sexiest element is the suggested intelligence. Because brainy is sexy, and not the kind of brainy that some studios think is instantly achieved by popping geek specs on a rather vapid twink. Although such porn can be great for a laugh. And indeed, laughter is instantly attractive. Hot men actually having fun, and laughing about it, and just getting down to the nitty gritty. If they’re enjoying themselves, then I am too. And that’s the kind of porn I wouldn’t mind doing. I’m not adverse to a bit of rough seduction as long as no one’s actually being forced, and everyone’s having a wonderful time pretty quickly. At the end of the day that’s what a healthy fantasy should be about.
Is wanting to be in porn a fantasy too? It’s certainly something I want to do at some stage, just so I can say I did it. The realist in me points out, however, that if I did, there would be no going back. The realist also points out that it’s not like I’ve already been put about out there. My pictures often get pinched from dudesnude.com, and to this day regularly pop up on Tumblr blogs. I could tell you all sorts of things about the most popular pinched pictures: how the chair I’m sitting in came from a convent school’s staff room; that I was sitting in a bay window with the curtain drawn behind me, on a glorious sunny Saturday morning in September; that I’d been single for just over a month, and it was the first time following the breakup that I’d felt confident enough to put myself back out there.
There seems to be a fashionable school of thought at the moment where one must hoot derisively at the idea that taking nude pictures is “empowering,” that it’s actually demeaning and degrading, that you’re bringing yourself and those you represent into disrepute. Self-justified slut-shaming, in other words. How vile to be criticised for being a sexual being (Your Body Your Rules) and in the same breath, how even more unspeakably disgusting to openly present your fully-grown self as a sexual being! Porn? Beyond horrifying. Apparently doing things consensually is more revolting and disgusting than being in relationships where you’re emotionally blackmailed into uncomfortable sexual activity simply to validate your partner’s ideas of what proper relationships are about.
Colby Keller, Bravo Delta, Woody Fox & Conner Habib
Porn should be open and fun and clearly fantasy material. Because when I’ve posed for pictures, and done amateur videos, it has felt empowering. I love hearing from other people how much they enjoy what I do. Because it’s nice to acknowledge them, even if it is simply a quick thank you. Because many porn actors like Colby Keller, Bravo Delta, Woody Fox, and Conner Habib, to name a few, are approachable, with Tumblr and Twitter presences, and in many ways come across as guys like you and me. It’s knowing, even as you watch them fucking, that Bravo and Conner are both extremely intelligent, strongly opinionated guys. It’s being aware that Woody is not only stunning, but strong minded and doesn’t do drugs. It’s that Colby knows – massive schlong aside – he’s not your average porn star, and has a fantastic sense of humour about it.
I certainly enjoy watching them in action because I feel I’ve gotten to know them a bit. They’re not sex dolls performing on demand, but give the impression of being real guys sharing the fun they’re having. Yes, it’s professional, but it’s fully informed and aware. These are real people, with moods and whims and quirks, and sex drives. Watching them in action feels like a shared pleasure, rather than watching unreal people doing naughties. You don’t just want to hump them but actually hang out with them too. That’s the kind of porn I really enjoy.
I’d say I’m an average guy. I certainly don’t have a perfectly sculpted body with muscles you could ping popcorn off. I’m not a Hot Bear, and I’m well past being a twink. But for some reason, my averageness is beyond sexy to the people who contact me. I’m fully aware that I don’t fit easily under any of those neat Pigeonholes of Sexy, and maybe that’s why I don’t get responses from the magazines. Even the ones who announce they’re all about inclusivity and that it doesn’t matter if you’re not conventionally attractive. It’s certainly a fact that within a few days of popping my new pictures up on dudesnude, my inbox exploded. I received over 400 new messages as opposed to the usual half-dozen. Something about those pictures seemed to grab attention. I still don’t quite get it, but who am I to argue with 400 men from all over the world who wanted me to know they really liked my pictures?
Nearly a year later, I’m still appearing on Tumblr. I particularly appreciated being rechristened Cousin Barry (at least it wasn’t Percy) on one dad-and-son fantasy blog. I even have my Porn Name lined up, but as to what it is, that’d be telling.
Yes, I want to be in porn. I would like to give it a go, but not necessarily make it a career path. I am long past being awkward about my body nor am I terrified of my own sexuality. I enjoy making others happy. But at the same time it saddens me that some people I know will react with horror and disgust. I know that if I actually did it, then I run the risk of being recognised and outed. Not that I don’t already, with the leaked pictures. But I don’t “work with the vulnerable”. At the end of the day, if a consenting adult does his job well, does it really matter what else he does outside it as long as he’s responsible about it, and nobody’s being hurt? I’ve certainly never been a blue-eyed Skyler Sweetcheeks thinking that getting into porn will guarantee nonstop glamour, a jet set lifestyle, and endless bonking with hot guys. But hey … I’m up for giving it a go, simply because I want to.
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