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You are here: Polari Magazine / Features / Clementine’s Top Five most revolting Christmas foods

Clementine and the Sprout, Polari Magazine

5. Christmas Cake
Clementine hates Christmas Cake, Polari Magazine

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Looks appealing all covered in icing like a well wrapped Christmas present, sadly the contents of both are usually disappointing. I have been informed by those who are into such specialist pastimes that Christmas cake has the same basic taste and  texture coming out  as it does going in. (Please be assured, gentle reader, that this is not knowledge gained from personal experience – but I can quite believe it.)

4. Christmas Pudding

Clementine hates Christmas Pudding, Polari Magazine

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

Same as above, but figuratively and literally without its sugar coating  On the plus side, it can be less dry than Christmas Cake and benefits from the lubrication of cream , custard or brandy butter, but it still resembles something you might present to your doctor for investigation. Goodness knows what the diagnosis would be if he found the sixpence.

3. Marzipan

Clementine hates Marzipan, Polari Magazine

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Whether providing the same basic function as cavity wall insulation between a christmas cake and its icing, or being shaped into those novelty fruit generally available as expensive Christmas treats, Marzipan is basically Elephant’s Ear Wax. Simple as.

2. Dates

Clementine hates Dates, Polari Magazine

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Evocative of sugar plumbs, the Nutcracker Ballet, cute men in tights … sorry, where was I ? Oh yes, DATES. In some parts of the world eating tarantula spiders is considered a delicacy. I can only imagine that they got the idea after eating a date, in the hope that, whilst the same shape and size , a spider’s body must be more palatable.

1. Sprouts

Clementine hates brussel sprouts, Polari Magazine

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Lazy and inevitable on a list of horrid Christmas foods I hear you cry. True, but it doesn’t mitigate the fact that sprouts taste revolting and cause indigestion. For maximum horror try tinned sprouts, which are the very definition of trapped wind. My copy of the Polari dictionary Fantabulosa provides me with two perfect terms to describe the sensory experience of the sprout. Look up Dutch Oven and Greek Sauna.

To end on a positive note, the best Christmas food is the CLEMENTINE! Small, but perfectly formed, bright and festive and full of juicy goodness – though at times they may be a little tart.

 

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Polari Magazine is an LGBT arts and culture magazine that explores the subculture by looking at what is important to the people who are in it. It’s about the lives we lead, not the lifestyles we’re supposed to lead.

Its content is informed & insightful, and features a diverse range of writers from every section of the community. Its intent is to help LGBT readers learn about their own heritage and to sustain a link between the present and the past.

Polari is designed to nurture the idea of community, whether that be social and political, or artistic and creative. It is your magazine, whether you want to read it, or whether you want to get involved in it, if you're gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, or queer.

Polari Magazine is all these: it's a gay online magazine; it's a gay and lesbian online magazine; it's an LGBT arts and culture magazine. Ultimately, it is a queer magazine.

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  • Polari Magazine 2008-2014December 3, 2014 - 6:16 pm
  • Tearing Up Their Map: An Interview with LambDecember 2, 2014 - 2:45 pm
  • Future Islands • GigDecember 2, 2014 - 1:41 pm
  • Puppets with Attitude (at Christmas)December 1, 2014 - 6:30 pm
  • The Aesthetic of Voyeurism: Interview with Antonio Da SilvaDecember 1, 2014 - 1:25 pm
  • Broke With Expensive Taste • Azealia BanksNovember 28, 2014 - 3:59 pm
  • Royalty Strutting on an American College Stage: Miss and Mr. Gay ISU 2014November 27, 2014 - 2:59 pm
  • Bright Light Bright Light: Everything I Ever WantedNovember 26, 2014 - 11:15 am
  • Jaime Nanci And The Blueboys: ‘Toy’ TalkNovember 25, 2014 - 4:09 pm

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