The House of Lords is fixed in a rift in time. From Lords Quirk and Flight through to Dear, the talk of ‘gay marriage’ in 2013 brought out the best/worst, as Dame Effie Sprinkle IV has uncovered.

I found a three-headed albino calf in my garden shed this morning, which is clearly an omen that Gay Marriage is soon going to be upon us. Although there was little doubt about whether the Bill would pass in Parliament, there were some corking claims made during the debates. Here are 5 of my favourites. Who says the House of Lords is largely irrelevant?

1. Baroness Knight

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Of course, homosexuals are often very delightful, artistic and loving people. No one doubts that for one single moment.

Baroness Joan Christabel Jill Knight of Collingtree DBE
Conservative

Excuse me, I’ll just find somewhere for this palette. Of course we are Baroness. We all literally LIVE for glitter paint. The “artistic” association goes back such a long way – all the way back to Michelangelo lying on his back to paint the ceiling of some chapel or other (though actually he didn’t lie on his back, that’s a myth thanks to Charlton Heston). And more recently (well, the 1960s), anyone remember Emory in Boys in the Band saying “Mary it takes a fairy to make something pretty”? I’m so glad that the Baroness thinks of me as delightful and wouldn’t doubt it, even for a single moment. You’d never guess that the next thing out of her mouth was a statement saying that in spite of that didn’t want to allow us to get married. Oh well, back to my fresco.

2. Lord Flight

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The impetus for redefining the meaning of marriage is not largely from the gay community, many of whom are perfectly happy with civil partnership as crafted a few years ago.

The Lord Howard Flight
Conservative

Thanks so much for speaking for us on our behalf Lord Flight. You know what, I didn’t realise I was perfectly happy with my civil partnership until you told me what I’m thinking. It’s uncanny, even scary how you know me even better than I know myself. And now I’ve had time to consider it, I realise that civil partnerships are not a halfway measure at all and don’t sound at all like a loveless business transaction invented by a bored quango. You’re so kind in deciding to remove my choice to be able to get married, because choice is bad and confusing. I think I love you!

3. Lord Quirk

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The equality that it purports to seek is a cheapened version of spurious uniformity in glaring defiance of reality. Our gay community, talented and caring, deserves better and can have it.

The Lord Charles Quirk CBE FBA
Crossbench

And the only thing that is better than being allowed to get married is not being allowed to married! Aren’t you the same Lord Quirk who made such a heartfelt speech in 1998 about the soft tissues of anal linings, when you were opposed to equalising the age of consent? It’s nice to know you’ve been so concerned for our safety all this time. And you’re right, the gay community is very talented – have you met Mr Ripley for example?

4. John Glen

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I never imagined that I would be put in a position where I have, by virtue of standing up for marriage, been characterised variously as a homophobic bigot, a religious nutter, a product of the dark ages, or, as I see in this weekend’s press, on the brink of making a tragic mistake that I will have many years to regret.

John Glen
Conservative

Forsooth and Gadzooks my liege (I’m speaking in Dark Ages-speak so you understand). I’m so sorry that you’re the REAL victim in all of this. Isn’t it horrible of those loud bullying gays to demand equality as if they deserve it, and then – damn them – somehow they twist things all round so you look like the bully, just for voicing your god-given right to oppress them? You’ve got to watch them, they’re tricksy.

5. Lord Dear

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I do not foresee violent street demonstrations in this country but I fear that the Bill, should it become law, could well create such opposition to homosexuals in general that the climate of tolerance and acceptance in this country that we have all championed, supported and seen flourish over the years could will be set back by decades—certainly for a long time.

The Lord Geoffrey Dear QPM
Crossbench

He’s always so caring. How clever to reason that granting gay people equality would actually make people hate us more, while sending out a message to the country that gay people are second class citizens and not allowed marriage will make people like us more! It would be awful wouldn’t it, if all our progress was set back decades. You know, to that time before Gay Liberation when we were referred to with clinical medicalising words like “homosexuals”… Oh.

So there you have it. Happy Gay Weddings everyone, from the Wrong Side of History.