Have you been sinned against by a vicious, homophobic state? Take heart as Dame Effie Sprinkle IV proposes an election year reparation plan.

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With the recent pardoning of Alan Turing, you’d think that those miserable gay rights activist intellectual types would stop their eternal whining for a couple of minutes, but no – oh no – now they’re banging on saying that it’s not enough and what about all the billions of gay men who were oppressed in the 1950s along with him? What about them, eh? And for that matter what about those who came afterwards and had to put up with a gamut of horrors?

Well, I happen to agree and have devised this helpful chart so gay people can finally settle their score with the government. It’s practically an election year so they’re in a giving mood. Just check your age (no lying, this isn’t Grindr, and statistically it’s impossible for that many gay men in the country to be 39 anyway), then write to your MP making the following demands and wait for the ker-ching noises.

Aged 71 and over

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When you came of age, being gay was still illegal, and you bore the brunt of ignorance, homophobia and institutional brutality that is practically unimaginable now. Your sex life was a furtive wank in a bus station toilet and half the time it resulted in you getting arrested or beaten up by guilt-crazed closet cases. You probably even got married just to stop the neighbours talking. To be honest, it’s a bit late in the day for anything to make up for it, and you probably have such low expectations from life by now that an M+S jumper would get you over-excited. So you shall be given daily bed-baths by Miguel, a 20 year old exhibitionist body-builder and can at least die happy.

Aged 61-70

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Homosexuality was decriminalised just in time for it to make a difference to your 20s and 30s but you were still likely to stay in the closet and keep mum rather than tell mum. A gay club for you was probably someone’s tatty front room, and if you got attacked while cruising, the police weren’t likely to be helpful. If anything, they were stalking the cruising grounds hoping to arrest 20 of you in one week so they could get a promotion. For all that hassle you shall each be given a winter home in the South of France or Palm Springs. You choose.

Aged 51-60

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Well, the good news is that you got to groove to Donna Summer on big coloured disco dance floors and the gay scene cut you some slack and hadn’t decided that everyone had to look like a Tom of Finland cartoon yet, but when the 1970s party ended, the hangover was one fucking bitch of a disease. For all that fear and pain and for caring for and burying your friends and lovers you can retire early on a full pension.

Aged 41-50

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You grew up during the most tacky, greedy, culturally empty decade that was bequeathed on the world (the 1980s), and had to put up with AIDS jokes at school and the likes of Gary Bushell calling you a poof in the tabloids. Then when you had your first sexual experience and went to get tested in a panic because you weren’t sure if the condom was on properly you were told by your GU doctor “Of course, if you have it, it’s a death sentence”. For that, you can have the remainder of your mortgage paid off.

Aged 31-40

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You came of age during Clause 28, or Mrs Thatcher’s “don’t say gay” law which forbade schools from “promoting” homosexuality. So instead you got a heternormative sex education (if you were lucky), and had to make do with watching weird documentaries and foreign films on Channel 4, which was almost still Communist TV when you were growing up. As a result, you are probably a bit mad by now. You are entitled to 20 hours of free therapy at a nice private mental hospital, administered by a shirtless male doctor with a 6-pack.

Aged 21-30

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Well you came along at almost the right time, didn’t you. Gay sex at 16, Grindr, PEP therapy, Gaga, Glee and hello gay marriage! You can even go in the army if you like and propose to your boyfriend and everyone will go “Ahhhhh! So Cute!” on YouTube rather than try to kill you/have you locked up. OK, so you’ll still have a few Twitter Haterz and 99% of gay culture is now a commercialised mess designed to make you feel fat and ugly so you’ll buy stuff but think yourself lucky. All you get is a Tom Daley calendar.

Aged 20 and under

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I got nothing for you. Go and watch Hollyoaks.