Fuck You If You Don’t Like Rock and Roll  ★★★★★
Maris the Great and the Faggots of Death
24:50 min • Independent • March 27, 2009
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If Martin from Limp Wrist and Oderus Urungus of GWAR had an all-night orgy involving enough drugs to put GG Allin in a coma, the result would be this amazing band from the gayest depths of hell, Maris the Great & the Faggots of Death. With a heavy sound and taboo shattering lyrics, their debut EP Fuck You If You Don’t Like Rock and Roll is a cause for celebration for hardcore cocksuckers all over.

Opening with ‘Fag Intro (This Land is Fag Land)’, the band goes right for the throat with a fuzzy distorted recording of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church doing their bad parody of ‘This Land is Your Land’. With a record scratch, it’s clear that this band is out to break down the barriers.

© Vadim Elkind

‘Fuck You If You Don’t Like Rock and Roll’ is a contemporary slice of old school punk rebellion, following the tradition of bands like Black Flag and Minor Threat. Backed with plenty of heavy riffs from guitarists Faggoria and Faggoty Ann, Maris barks out, “Down on your knees, pull out your wee-wees, this is a battle cry!” And the anthem chorus,

Fuck you if you don’t like rock and roll.
Screw you if you can make me do what I’m told.
Fuck you, this is the way I live my life.
Rock and roll and I’ll live until I die!

The album ends with a lispy voice, “Remember dear, language!”

The third track ‘All the Cutest Boys Are at Hardcore Shows’ ups the gonzo factor with a spoken intro from Faggoria and another band member, arguing about why they should go to a hardcore show, Faggoria leads a brief doo-wop part singing,

All the cutest boys are at hardcore shows,
I’m telling you a fact that everybody knows.

Then the rest of the band comes in with the metallic punk roar as Maris begins barking about all the fine ass he got in the hardcore audience and how it built his army of followers, describing one straight edge guy as “triple X cum, the best I ever tasted!”

© Vadim Elkind

‘Get that Wee-Wee’ begins with a chant from Maris and a good jumpy rhythm from drummer Penis Colada. The rest of the band joins in with a steady heavy rhythm reminiscent of mid-era Motörhead. I think Lemmy would appreciate the similar sound musically as this song is a brash celebration of the pursuit of sex as often as possible. The lyrics are vulgar, sometimes borderline childish, but it melds well with the sounds of buzzsaw punk rock ‘n’ roll.

The fifth track ‘Ghetto Girl’ features lead vocals from Faggoria, a satirical number about his latest boyfriend, a stone broker minimum wage nobody who can’t afford to pay for dates or really anything else. Faggoria tries to balance it out by saying that money doesn’t matter, love is love, but he can’t get past the fact that his love is perpetually broke and eventually decides to dump him for somebody who at least can pay for dinner,

That’s when I realized that something was wrong,
That’s when I knew I had to write this song,
A girl must mature and act her age,
What do you do when they make minimum wage?

‘Dance of the Dead’ features a more tribal sounding rhythm before breaking into the band’s signature hardcore burner feel. The tribal sound continues throughout the verses of the number as Maris summons the spirits of early Alice Cooper and the Misfits and sings about stalking through the night as a member of the undead. The tongue-in-cheek violence makes this one a great sounding stand out track from the rest of the herd.

The album closes with ‘Fag Anthem’, a heavy cover of Pansy Division’s iconic 1993 track ‘Anthem’, with a few lyrical revisions from Maris. The basic feel is the same, but with the guitars down-tuned and distorted and the guttural roar of Maris shouting, “If you say you like pussy then we say ‘Fuck you!’” It’s dirtier than the original, but it’s one hell of a closer.

This album is brilliant and one of the best gems I’ve come across in my constant digging through the American underground. It’s loud, rude and crude – a filthy rock ‘n’ roll antidote to the endless barrage of pop such as Glee and Lady Gaga, which we are stormed by here in American gay culture.