IDAHO May 17 – Myths about Bisexuality
In this article, Lyndsay Winegarden writes about the myths that surround bisexuality, and how people don’t like when you don’t fit neatly into a category.
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I’ve always been attracted to both females and males but it was not until I was older that I felt more comfortable admitting this, not only to myself but to everyone else. All throughout school I was badly bullied.
I was in High School when the bullying started about my sexuality. I don’t know what it was that the other kids picked up on. Maybe it was just something they thought would bother me, or maybe it was that I’d always had LGBT friends and that a person’s sexuality never mattered to me. Whatever it was I was soon labeled the “Bisexual Slut”. They were right about me being Bi, but I had never been a slut. Funnily enough the Bisexual part of their teasing never bothered me, although at that time I was still in denial to myself about who I was.
As I got older and began to open up about myself, I was told that I wasn’t bisexual unless I’d had a relationship with another woman. I was accused of just attention seeking and so I denied that part of myself and tried hard to supress it. I placed standards on myself that I would never have placed on anyone else, and all because of the things that were being said to me about my not being truly bisexual. I was told I was “Bicurious” and I accepted that silly label.
There were several situations where I fell for various girls. But something was always wrong at the time, I was in a relationship, they were in a relationship, they were straight ….
It wasn’t until I read an article by Kevin O’Neil from Wipe Out Homophobia that I truly began to understand myself fully, and that it wasn’t just my bullies in school who were being biphobic but the people who told me I wasn’t bisexual enough for their standards.
Sadly I still face biphobia from both the LGBT and Straight communities. I still get told that I am not bisexual enough because I’ve not completed some list of “must do’s” in order to fit their definition of bisexuality. When it comes to dating and relationships I face biphobia constantly.
From the men I get “Oh cool does that mean threesomes”, or “Oh I don’t mind if you are with another woman while we are together especially if I get to watch”, to which I explain that I am not a cheater and my love life is personal and private and will never be on show for anyone.
From women I get “I would never date a bisexual girl, they are ALL cheaters”, or “I’m a Lesbian, I would never be with a woman who could be with a man, that’s disgusting”. It hurts and it’s sad, but I hold on to hope that one day I will meet the right woman or man and live happily ever after.
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I appreciate and admire your eagerness to articulate these feelings, as they mirror my own my whole life. It’s quite a different battle from dealing with your run-of-the-mill homophobia than biphobia (or in my case, pan and polyphobia). I won’t try to pander you with trite words of encouragement – but do know that you aren’t alone <3
People need to stop being homo-phobic or bi-phobic or wanting to watch, the people who bully you are obviously losers and are not good people too, your love does not affect them in any way so why are they angry by your sexuality. I asked them (Their answer is “…” or “because”) They have no answer. Also not all men think of watching or “threesomes”. I am not gay and you being in love with other genders does not bother me.
I’m a lesbian, but almost every woman I’ve ever been attracted to has been bi, and I’ve never had a problem with that. I just wanted to let you know that not all lesbians are so close-minded to the many different aspects of human sexuality.
I always thought the whole ‘I can’t be with them because once they were with a man’ is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I think that knowing your partner had been with dozens of other people (male or female) is more disconcerting, and still doesn’t bother me one bit. I do admire your confidence in writing this piece, but I am also saddened by the fact that homophobia and biphobia still exist, especially in the gay community.
Ciao Bella!
Lyndsay, unlike the lovely, well spoken and tastefully reserved Caryn above, I am without shame! And will as the “Once Upon A Time” young lover of Bobby Griffith of Lifetime TV’s “Prayers for Bobby” fame, heap praises and thanks upon you for writing about your experiences, both the subtle and not so subtle marginalization that you encountered! Sadly, many in the Queer (LGBTQ) Community are and have been culpable, for lifting and “Parroting” much of the “Homo-Hysterical Baggage” from the greater Society at large! We still have some serious “Introspective” work to do! But I’m so “freakin” proud of you “Bellezza! And we are closer to realizing and understanding the true “Fluidity of Sexuality”, as the Great Alfred Kinsey tried articulating it more than half a Century ago, than we ever have been in my lifetime!!!
I love this story cuz it feels like I wrote it. All thought I was never bullied about my sexuality in school, I kept it hidden from the bullies who bullied me for everything else. Just the other day I was in a lesbian group and two of the girls on there started saying that they would never date bisexual girls, that bisexuals were confused or that bisexuals frustrated them. This hurt me because I thought it was a place where I could be myself and talk about things openly. Now I see what people mean when bi’s are not accepted by gays or straights. We are NOT confused, we know how feel about BOTH sexes. It’s almost as if there is not strict label for us. We are just simply not straight. There is NOTHING wrong with that. I have also figured out that anything bad people have to say about bisexuals is from personal experience and not fact. Those haters have personal issues that they think they can slap on people they don’t want to understand. I am bisexual, and I am proud. THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS!
Dear Lindsay, you are definitely not alone…I felt like a freak and a “mutt” of some sort until I realized that labels were my prison…when I found out that I was just “me” and that I loved who I loved, I found a freedom that I had never known. So many people are really ignorant about labels because they make their own assumptions about them, but when we release ourselves from those labels, we realise that we are individuals; I am just me, and you are just you, and we are beautiful just as we are. No need to explain ourselves to anyone; we are just human beings with unique quakities. Isn’t that enough? Peace to you!
I have known since I was a very little girl that I was different from other people… that I wasn’t going to be able to live a “normal” life because that “normality” was not only not true to me (or anyone else) but a completely unnecessary cage for any person. I didn’t begin to understand what I was, though, until I was in my early teens when a very brave young woman, only a couple of years older than me, “came out” to me despite all the possible repercussions- because I had a crush on her and she wanted me to know she wasn’t available because she was already in love with another girl.
In telling me this, she opened my eyes and opened a door to so much love in my life! It took years for me to understand my self, to see that I was bisexual and that that was not only okay, it was wonderful!. It took years for me to find the right person but I did and he’s bisexual, too! We have been together 25 years now and are even more deeply in love than ever. We have even moved into the polyamorous world and our relationship with each other is only stronger and better for these new, wonderful and loving relationships with people of varying sexes and orientations. My life is just so amazing, and so much more beautiful than I could ever have guessed all those years ago when I was being brutally bullied for being different even before I knew what it was all about…
Anyway, don’t give up! Love IS real and it’s perfect and it doesn’t matter what sex anyone is- or isn’t. Orientation isn’t important, either. Love just IS.
(And that lovely lesbian who took that chance on telling me the truth all those years ago? She is very happily in love with a great woman who adores her. In fact, I was just writing to her tonight as we’re still good friends even after 35 years or more. Isn’t that great?
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Lindsay, thank you so much for sharing what you have experienced/endured. Your experience is quite similar to mine. I knew around age 12 that I was equally attracted to males and females. I hid this until I was in my early 40s, gradually coming out — first to strangers, then to family and friends. I have always felt that we bisexuals are regarded by many as “sluts” or not fitting anywhere…not gay enough, not straight enough. I had a lesbian “friend” who was also my boss tell me I “just didn’t know it yet,” but I was a lesbian. It felt as though if I were black, she would be telling me I didn’t know it yet, but I was white Other lesbians refused to date me out of fear I would cheat, or out of disdain.Of course, men thought it was awesome and wanted to participate in a menage a trois. I am a monogamous bisexual and proud of it. My boyfriend is proud of me, too. I will NEVER let anyone get to me again who tells me I am NOT something. I AM a bisexual and I am NOT a slut or a lesbian-in-the-making.
I have never cared about a person’s physical sex, I fall for their personality instead. Because of this I have been told that I am not straight, lesbian, or bisexual. I was never called out on it in school because I am extremely loyal and my first interest was a boy who I kept at the best friends kind of distance but I was often bullied because all my female friends were lesbians. Anywho point of story categories suck and people suck when they seek and exploit differences. Jerks come from all places stay strong hun and may life bring you the happiness you deserve.
I find it very sad that we as people need to categorize ourselves because of personal sexual preferences. It should be irrelevant in this or any society who you happen to be attracted to. If I liked Italian food over chinese food should I be categorized and placed into somebodies box? What if I liked both on the same plate? Should it even matter? Should my or anybody’s personal preferences be judged? By who? I am a full believer in live and let live. As long as I am not a danger to myself or the people around me, who I lay with behind closed doors is nobody’s concern but my own. So-called phobias are nothing more than small minded people trying to find ways to have prejudices against others for any rationalized reason that they can come up with. And the reasons are endless, Race, Religion, Gender, Class, Sexual orientation or any combination of reasons. But at the end of the day we are all just people, imperfect and beautiful.
I’m actually pansexual rather than bisexual, but I’ve suffered all the same kinds of prejudice. I know I like women and I shouldn’t need to have sex with one just to prove it. Like you said, the timing’s always off. I have a wonderful boyfriend who accepts me for who I am, but my mother still thinks I’m attention seeking.