Fucking Queers!
Bryon Fear writes about a homophobic confrontation, and how angry he was with himself when he turned away from it.
Was it something about the way my partner took this photograph? Or perhaps the way in which I looked at him? It’s hard to pinpoint. But this was the moment… This was the moment that the man at the table opposite ours understood what our relationship to each other was and muttered under his breath,
“Fucking queers!”
I froze. Years of empowerment bolstered by marching at Pride rallies fell away all too quickly. A fear gripped me. I was suddenly reminded of my nine year old self who used to take mile long diversions home from school for fear of being met by the bullies who earlier had told me in the playground that they “would be waiting” for me after school.
It is a very specific type of fear. The fear that something bad is going to happen. Something that you are unable to prevent.
Mat sat down, pleased with the photo. He said how nice I looked in it, a comment which I brushed aside quickly sensing the hatred to my left. Like a child hiding under his duvet from the monsters under the bed at night, I buried my face into the menu, as if concentrating on the words in front of me would help make the situation go away.
Mat asked me what I was in the mood for, and my already pathetic resolve had snapped. I looked up and said quietly, “I don’t want to stay here”. Mat looked confused. It was a small comfort that he was oblivious to the situation. A few years ago we had both been put in hospital by a random attack that left me with my jaw snapped in two. These are moments that you never want to have to define your relationship by, and I wasn’t about to invite the possibility of another. “I just don’t want to stay,” I pressed. Mat could see I was in distress and agreed immediately.
I was out of my seat and out of the door before Mat had even got his jacket on. I felt like a coward. As Mat passed between the two tables to join me outside, the man addressed Mat directly,
“Didn’t see anything you fancy?”
Having not heard his original remark, Mat was unaware that this was a parting jibe.
I walked quickly down the road. In a rage. Not at the arsehole in the restaurant, but at myself. Why hadn’t I stood up for myself? For us? Why did I just crumble like that and run away?
That is the thing that upsets me the most. That with two words, this man made me feel like that pathetic kid again, the one who used to get bullied and would run away. The irony is, I was bullied as a child because somehow those other kids knew I was different, just like this guy knew we were different. And despite my friends telling me that to walk away was the right thing to do, I hate the way he made those feelings come to the surface – those feelings that are intrinsically tied to the self-hatred we experience when we first realize that we are actually different to most people. And that’s what I hate him for. For making me doubt those feelings can ever truly go away.
This work, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
A terrible and not uncommon tale and not something any of us should have to go through.
If the restaurant is in the UK, I think I’m right in saying that the Equality Act 2010 gives the restaurant a duty of care to you not to face discrimination from their other customers. If, when requested, they do not take action to end the discrimination you face, they themselves become liable for discrimination.
Hey man don’t let it get you down, we aren’t all like that. My wife and I have a large family (combined hers mine and an ours) of 7 children. All of them have been raised to accept others as they are, and are willing (and have on several occasions) to stand up for others in situations such as these. I guess my point is that even though there is still darkness, day by day, person by person things are getting a little brighter. You and you partner should look into a martial arts class, violence may not be your thing, but the ability to defend yourself is worth a lot. There are some truly beautiful forms out there that while they are more art than violence retain the ability to “get the job done” All in all just wanted to chime in to let you know that you are loved. I’m sorry in that mans place, he is too ignorant to do it himself.
I’m truly touched by your story. I myself have never felt comfortable admitting ‘fear’ because it was something both my parents found disdainful. I’m one of those ‘talk loud about kicking ass but inside when it’s happening, I’m terrified’ types. It took me 21 years of living to be able to admit to that fear…and your story has helped in tremendous ways.
I also like the martial arts idea, knowing you can defend yourself helps ease anxiety. Take it from someone who felt fear for their entire childhood.
I salute you, and one day maybe we both will be able to rise to confrontation without fear of having our bodies broken in some way.
A new fan a follower, Kimberley Ebbett.
I worked with a guy years ago. He was of a small build in a tough industry and always full of clever fun. He would say: “he who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.”
A person so full of hatred wont be swayed by passionate speeches or even physical violence. The fight for equality and respect will be won in the middle ground. That coming majority of people, conscious of the harm done by hateful comments, will leave cowards without the widespread support he expected to get.
Why shouldn’t you be full of fear, both for yourself and a loved one, and be desperate to be away from them after being assaulted so recently?
Anyway, what do I know? Except that I’m not ashamed of you, I’m ashamed of the coward who chased you from the restaurant. We all have that regret of a failed bravery or a better come-back.
Your honest retelling of the story probably does more than being beaten up again.
I was bullied for different reasons both as a child and as an adult more recently … I received counselling a couple of years back and what the psychologist said was that I was not reacting as the 30 odd year old woman I was but as the frightened child I’d been 20 + years previously… I’d say your reaction and wanting to leave are totally normal – I could totally understand your reaction (and I also walked away from the most recent bullying by changing jobs)
Here’s the other side.
I have always had trouble walking away. I’ve gotten myself in trouble aplenty – trouble I could have walked away from. Once, it put me in hospital – surgery twice over, and 18 months recovery – and I wouldn’t do anything differently in the situation now, you now? If someone’s taking a beating and doesn’t deserve it, that’s an easy call. You step in and see if you can’t fix it.
When it’s not out-and-out self-defense (or defense of someone else), though, that’s where I sometimes regret my actions. The asshole always deserves it – always has it coming, for doing something, or saying something, no decent person should. Then I run my mouth off, call them out on being an insufferable jerk. Sometimes my verbal barbs hit home, and they back off. Sometimes they just provoke worse – and I’ll stand and fight if it comes to it. I’ve got principles to stand up for, you know? They need to learn that their behaviour has no place in today’s world, and I’m the one to help ‘em learn it.
You know what I get out of it? I get to wonder how many people saw the confrontation and thought I was the asshole. I get to wonder, if punches get thrown, who’ll look like the bad guy on a surveillance camera without sound. I get to wonder if maybe I really *am* the bad guy. I know I’m on the side of tolerance, but their passive-aggressive assholery wasn’t actually causing harm.
Reading your words, though, I can see that it *does* cause harm. A whole bunch of harm. It deprives people of their right to go about their daily business, enjoying their lives.
But you know what? I wish I was you. I wish I could walk away. I think it makes you a better person, however much turmoil you face. I’ve been teaching myself the same outward reaction – dismissal. Don’t react to their crap – that’s what they’re after. In all my life, I’ve discovered two appropriate reactions: as I mentioned before, dismissal, and also deescalation.
Deescalation is toning the situation down. “Fucking queer.” “Hey mate, no hard feelings.” It’s hard to pull off, and dismissal is safer. The more confident I’ve become – I’ve studied martial arts all my life, and I’m getting pretty damn good at handling myself – the more able to pull deescalation off I’ve become. Dismissal is the safe option, and you know what? You’re a better person for choosing it over confrontation.
The turmoil you’re feeling – I’ve been there – comes from your own self-judgment. You’re not happy with your response. You think you’ve let down queers everywhere, or just you and your partner, or … Let me tell you now, as someone who’s been through it all: your reaction was a pretty damned good one. Better than many could have managed. A whole lot better than starting a fight.
You wanna learn to deescalate? You need the confidence and the ability to deal with things if they go wrong. You need swagger to pull it off at all. And you need to get lucky and hope that witnesses to any trouble realise you were the good guy.
There are people out there who take that path. I do, and even I’m trying to train myself out of it. It ain’t worth it – you don’t teach him anything, and you just rile up your own lizard brain. You say one word too many, or too few, and you’ve got trouble.
Learn to stop judging your own reaction. It’s hard, but it’s better than changing your behaviour. Your behaviour is already just about right.
Rophuine, that was the best response to this kind of situation I’ve ever seen. It applies not only to this particular scenario but any one that involves verbal aggression toward someone else… especially when there is fear that physical aggression could follow. And you’re right.. it starts with self-confidence with who you are, not what you can do to someone. I took martial arts long ago and one of the very first things we learned was that it was a very last resort. If we were there to learn to kick butts we had a lot more to learn than the moves.
Excellent response.
Wow, what a well worded reasoned post.
I enjoyed that, thanks.
I had a very similar thing happen to me in Boise ID, I was with a friend who was visiting and very effeminate when a table a few tables over holding two couples male/female well one of the males started making comments fags this fags that fags, fags, fags. We had just gotten our salad and the more I sat there the madder I got. After about 15 minutes of listening to it I had enough. I got up from the table and walked over to the man, leaned over his shoulder and say loudly enough for everyone at his table and the tables around us to hear. Unless you want to know what it feels like to get your ass kicked by a faggot you’ll shut the fuck up and enjoy your dinner just like I wish to do! At which point his wife started too apologized for him. I looked at her and said thank you but you’re not the problem here he is and he needs to get over it! Now I am not a big guy I stand 5’9″ at about 150lbs but I have always looked at it this way I have 4 older brothers and I’ve gotten my ass kicked by them my whole life, one standing at 6’4″ and 230lbs so I have had my ass kicked by better. I think I have them to thank for standing up for myself to bullies and I just will not let others take me or my rights to enjoy a meal and anything else away.
Well after a moment this man sitting at his table with me hovering over his shoulder looked up at me and said Sorry I’ll keep it to myself. I said thank you and went an enjoyed my meal with my friend. See most of the time this guy are so insecure about their own sexuality that they pop off at the sight of people open and comfortable with who they are and that they don’t have the need to hide who ther are and it’s these insecure guys way of dealing with their anger at themselves. Now I wouldn’t suggest everyone confront every bully as I do/did but when we let these people take away who we are, we lose a little of ourselves, our freedom. They don’t take it from us we give it to them. I would rather get my butt kicked in public than in a dark alley where there is no one around to help if needed and outing these guys hatred in public will most of the time defuse the situation. I have had many other types of these confrontations as I have many openly and effeminate friends I have yet to have a “straight” guy meet me with a fist and they usually apologize for their behavior. Now before anyone approaches a bully you should take note of your environment and think through all the options including an escape route if you need to run and watch out if their drunk or if it’s a group so pick your battles wisely. Turns out the guy at the table could have easily killed me they finished their meal before we did and as the guy stood to leave I got a good look at this 6’6” guy and I count my blessing he didn’t take me up on my offer but he really didn’t want to, his issue wasn’t with me it was with himself.
Also don’t blame yourself for choosing to live to fight another day like I said pick your battles just don’t give yourself away in the process. I have gotten my ass kicked before but not by a homophobic bully.
You have been through a serious traumatic experience, and have experienced long term bullying abuse. I am in awe of your strength and courage in simply walking out. Please don’t feel you should have done anything differently. You did what was best for you at the time. As for that man… words cannot express my contempt for him.
Just because you did not confront this individual, does not mean you are weak. It means you are smart, because you did not stoop to his level by responding; which is what he wanted. By responding, you would have let him know that it effected you in some way.
Now before I go further, I would like to let you know that I am a very outspoken person. The other day I had an incident occur that normally I would have responded. I recently got my I love Obamacare bumper sticker in the mail. I put it on my car. I live in a very small Christian Conservative town with a small town mentality. I had dropped my daughter off at school, went to the bank and as I pulled out of the bank I noticed a man in a huge truck riding my butt all the way to the gas station. I was curious as to why he was following me so close. I pulled into the Gas station, got out of my car and the man pulled up beside me and just started verbally attacking me., Telling me I was UnAmerican, a disgrace to his country and his bible. He called me a Muslim lover and all kinds of foul names.
Normally I would have responded, but there was this little voice in my head that told me not to. I backed away and went as fast as I could into the store. I will admit, I was scared. This man, the look on his face as he screamed at me, there are no words to describe it. I did feel weak, but after I calmed down, I realized that this individual was not playing with a full deck of cards. I mean, who behaves that way? Who attacks a person, a random person for their political beliefs? An unstable person.
If I would have fed into his behavior by responding the outcome could possibly have been a dangerous one. The same goes to you. Only a person filled with anger and hate would spew such ugly words to people that they do not know. If you would have responded it could have escalated and you and your partner could have been hurt.
You did the right thing, do not let this individual’s hateful and ignorant behavior get to you. You do not need to prove anything to him nor do you need his approval. Be proud of who you are and NEVER let anyone stop you from doing so!
Thank you for posting this article. I’m a very empathetic person and can relate from my personal experiences. I’m passionate about our rights and smashing out the hatred but find myself often walking away from the ignorant fools that make fun. I do this not probably for my safety but for theirs. I am an advanced combat trained veteran so I am afraid of confrontation where the person may become physical and the line that keeps me “sane” gets crossed. I really don’t like fighting or violence at all, but after reading this I’m tired of feeling the way I do when I fold and give in to the BS.
I just want people to mind their own and not worry about me…
You did the right thing in walking away. My girlfriend and I experienced something similar – unrelenting abuse from outside a window from a guy who took offence at two women sat eating dinner together. When he began knocking on the window and shouting at us, laughing, and it became clear the restaurant staff weren’t going to do anything, I went outside and told him to f*** off. Not my finest oratory moment, I admit, but I ended up with him strangling me in a doorway. He ended up with a few months inside. Next time, I wouldn’t square up to someone, I’d just call the police. Advice on your rights in such a situation is here: http://www.stonewall.org.uk/at_home/hate_crime_domestic_violence_and_criminal_law/2639.asp
I would have defended you, if I had heard the remark. I’m sorry this happened.
I know how awful that feels, but you really shouldn’t beat yourself up about it. I remember when I was about a year into my transition, I didn’t really have a great look then and the estrogen hadn’t really taken hold yet. I was at my favorite greasy spoon and about a half hour into my comfort food, I heard laughter behind me and then the unmistakable clicking sound of .a camera. I still didn’t realize that he was taking pictures of me until we were almost leaving, when I heard the familiar slam, “Fucking freaks!!” My friend who was with me had caught on first and was already upset. “Don’t let it bother you, Zoey.” I felt that red anger start to creep up the back of my neck and over the top of my head. Sad to say I haven’t been back there.
To be honest, I wouldn’t have defended you, I probably would have walked out of the restaurant after you after making a big homo scene though… (Well, in a sense that is defense) And whats great is my little straight entourage probably would have too
Personally though, I let the bigots wallow in their own sorrows and walk away after I have my fun myself. I’m sure he has his own problems to worry about, and I can kill em with kindness and understanding.
If anything feel sorry for that man, the world is changing around him, and he will be more and more isolated, he’ll die a bitter , hateful , person. …..My favorite song from Dolly Parton, Wildflowers….” the hills were alive with wildflowers and i was as wild even wilder then they , for at least i could roam, they just died in the sun and i refused to just wither in place.”
Sometimes people are dangerous, and maybe he was. But we live our lives surrounded by danger, we cannot avoid or escape it all. This isn’t about a missed opportunity to stand up for what is right. We have all missed chances and looked back saying “Why didn’t I do more?” This is about what happens the next time. You shared this, and hopefully some others who would also have been silent will find their voice. Thank you for reminding and inspiring me.
Bryon,
The insecure clod that couldn’t contain his hate is made miserable by it. People like that are never truly happy and it is a shameful waste of life. Sometimes, physically or verbally confronting someone is necessary but not always. While you may rethink this confrontation over and over again while wishing you had done something to stop the evil – doing nothing may have been the better choice. If you had bloodied his nose or knocked his teeth out then you would be exhibiting hate also- but by showing restraint (not cowardice – there is a big difference) and writing about this experience, you have been the “bigger man” and also opened the door to healing your heart with compassion.
I’ve encountered a similar situation at my gym. Some meathead douchebag thought my headphones were turned up, and after noticing my rainbow “pride” wristband, made several lame, derogatory remarks to his friends. My favorite was his coining of the noticeably awkward term “fagbitch”, along with making fun of me (at the time I was 152 lbs) for only curling 20s and criticizing my long hair (apparently that was overtly faggy, too) and wifebeater that I was wearing At the FUCKING GYM. I simply smiled and appreciated the irony of a homophobe critiquing the hair and fashion of a perfect stranger.
Though I know it’s not an answer and I don’t present it as such, I hope that this video can bring a small bit of relief that we live in a world where people who press that kind of hatred and bigotry are part of a rapidly shrinking group. We are living in a world where tolerance is more fair spread than ever before. Know that you live in a world where had you made your stand, you and your partner likely would not have been alone in that restaurant that night.
Don’t ever consider yourself weak for what you do or do not do.
Click this link, the video brought a tear to my eye.
Thank you for your comment and the video link. It shows that other people really do care and are willing to go out of the way to show it. I was tearing up at work. Thanks again.
Glad you liked it, it had me almost crying at work too Lol <3.
There is nothing wrong with walking away from a potentially violent idiot. The world is not perfect and just and you don’t have to try to make it so. You were not going to change his attitude. You don’t have to prove anything. You have nothing to prove.
Your feelings are understandable, and I would probably feel the same way, but you acted in one of many proper ways.
Totally agree with Jim. It’s not your individual responsibility to respond to stuff like that–it’s our collective responsibility to make sure that there isn’t a climate where this kind of behavior is seen as acceptable, and there is a ways to go in that regard.
Bryon, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of – nothing at all. Never apologize for the ignorance of others, you can’t be held responsible for the idiocy that abides in their minds. All you can do is show, through the way that you live (i.e. by not practising violence and demonstrating a loving attitude even in the face of discrimination) that you are not one of the hypocrites who proclaims “love, love” but has a heart full of hatred and discrimination. If something like this ever happens to you again – and I fear that there’s a high probability that it will given the lack of enlightenment of so many people – there’s something that you might want to try, however, please make sure that you’re situation is not potentially dangerous as it could exacerbate the situation.
If someone mutters what was said to you under their breath you can turn to them and say, “fags? Were you wondering if we’re a couple of fags? Well, yes, in fact we are – we are gay. Why, were you looking for a date? Sorry – I’ve already got one, but I’m sure I could find someone for guy as buff as you …” (improvisation is obviously very important here) – again – if the guy looks like he wants to kill you, please, do not take any risks – remember, we’re talking about people who have IQ’s lower than their shoe size – true intellectual giants.
I abhor violence and try to avoid it at all costs. That hasn’t stopped me from intervening when I came across a young guy beating up an old man in a park late at night. The old man was in no shape to defend himself and was inebriated as well, making matters worse (he thought I was trying to help mug him when I arrived on scene – until the young guy ran off). The point is, as much as I hate violence, I would not have let the situation you experienced go by without intervening, and I’m sorry – truly sorry – that there wasn’t anyone there to stand up for your rights.
What straight people (a stupid term, really) often don’t realize is that when the rights of one group is oppressed the rights of all are oppressed: none of us is truly fully equal unless we are all fully equal. Please – don’t let this experience stop you from going out and enjoying your life: you’ve earned it … and, in the words of a t-shirt my father used to wear, “don’t let the bastards get you down!”
Speaking to the fear that almost seems irrational, my stems from childhood and bullies, here is a FB convo between me and a friend about going out Halloween weekend 2011.
Me: God Bless Lesbians!! She said exactly what I was thinking. “if you are straight, Peace, but get the fuck out of my club”
Friend: Yeah, people love the gay bars on Halloween. The costumes are supposed to be better. And the parties are supposed to be better. To bad there was so much animosity.
Me: It wasn’t animosity, more frustration. On her part I think it was a double whammy. She is lipstick and was getting hit on by the straight guys and there were a lot of straight single women, so that was confusing too. For me, the frustration was I couldn’t let my guard down, which was the whole reason for going out.
Friend: Guard down? What were you afraid of?
Me: I am not sure if afraid is the right word or maybe not the only word. Growing up I got picked on a lot for being overweight. So, I learned to never be totally open. Not good, but it is what it is. No one knew I was gay until I was working at ????, and then only because I came out. I didn’t even come out to myself until just before I cam out at work. So I have only been out about 12 years. Being constantly picked on growing up has made a lasting impression on my life. Trust is not something I do easily. Being open is about trust, so I have issues. Whole volumes actually, archived and in encyclopedia format.
???? did a lot of things wrong but they did diversity right. I could open up and feel supported there, which is why I ultimately came out at work. That being said there were people and times where I still had my guard up because not everyone was enlightened as they appeared.
Where I work now, I love the job and the people I work with but it is not as supporting as ???? was. When I started they only had a tolerance policy for GLBT. Now it is part of the anti-discrimination statement. The company is getting more moderate but still fairly conservative. On my team and certain individuals there is support but the company as a whole, no, not for GLBT. There are a lot of people there, descent people, who, unfortunately have very religious beliefs about GLBT. Agree to disagree is a relatively new concept and for some they cannot set aside their religion to look at things differently.
There are other GLBT peeps there but we never talk or if we do it is work related only. It is frustrating and that’s really the reason why I go out now. I need to be around people I can be myself with and not have to worry about, I am still going to be able to work with them?
I know that the club is not work but its hard to say, these are different straight people. The kid in my head, says, yeah but the look like the ones that picked on you growing up and the career minded person in my head says, how do you know you don’t work with them?
So afraid, I think maybe, some of it is carry over from childhood and some of it is about my career. But mostly its about trust and being able to relax and let my guard down.
I work for an airline. One day a man said no faggot is going to tell me what to do. The entire section around him went off on him. I did not have to say a word. Every person in that section got a free drink. I think slowly that behavior is going into the minority.
I have gay friends that have done the same thing to a fat person in a restaurant so its not just all about being gay its just about being kind to all.
I’m sorry for all you have been through – it sounds like you have been through a LOT! That man is a jerk. It makes me think of a piece by John Shore.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-shore/the-real-reason-christian_b_796042.html
I believe that that man actually feels threatened by you (but perhaps on a subconscious level). Equality makes him feel like his power is threatened. You are the winner here. Hang in there – it is getting better – I know we still have a long way to go but progress is being made.
((Hugs))
Wouldn’t it be great in situations like this,if we could hit the Grindr list, for back up, to see who’s close by to dish out some fabulous “fucking Queer” deserts?
desserts even!
Thank you for your refreshing honesty, your (now rare) human ability to look inside and to be beautifully honest. We all have these moments. xx
“…when we first realize that we are actually different to most people.”
Not to offend you in any way.. but you’re not different. You live; love; laugh; cry; sing; have family and friends. talk; hug; watch crappy t.v; read; have blood running through your veins; and have colour in your eyes. .. That kinda sounds like every other human I know.
Im sorry to hear what happened to you and how it made you feel but just think, he must have a boring life to take the time out to say that thing whereas you were busy having fun with your partner. I know its easy for me to say ‘forget him’ but I hope you can.
xx
Thank you for writing this. I think you did the right thing by walking away and protecting yourself and your partner. I believe anyone should walk away from harm and protect themselves and the ones they love.
[...] Oral Histories: Fucking Queers! Recounting a tale of homophobia [...]