Polari catches up with Dexter Clark as he winds down his Olympian lecture tour:

Dexter Clark’s Fabulous Head
7 pm • August 13, 15, 29 • Royal Vauxhall Tavern
9 pm • September 29 • Leicester Square Theatre
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You’re currently on a lecture tour, bringing your insights to the masses. Obviously they’ve learned a lot, but what have you learned?

Always make sure the dressing room has been repainted – take it from me, that short one from the Krankies is a filthy beast.

London has been abuzz with Olympic fever this month. Which athletes would you like to get in your chair?

Haven’t the Olympics been great? I love the way the nation finds its heart, such a selfless atmosphere. Who would I like in my chair? Well Oscar Pistorius (sporty flick) wanted to come in but unfortunately I had to say no, we’ve just had a new parquet floor fitted and I do hate scratches.

Have you ever asked to be an undisclosed source for celebrity gossip?

I would never reveal my clients secrets; just like a doctor I have taken the hypocritical oath. My middle name’s Discretion.

With such a range of pop celebrities coming in and out of your salon, do you have to be careful about the music you play? 

A quick look at the appointment book and then it’s straight to iTunes.

What is your current relationship status, is there anyone special in your life?

My clients are my special people. Who needs love when you’ve got celebrity?

With your busy lifestyle, what do you do to relax? 

For us celebrities it’s all about Charity. I relax by caring. All my important friends are involved in some way in the caring business, mostly to do with animals; for Lulu (rusty wire) it’s her collection of rabbits, Dale Winton (super market sweep) enjoys dogging and the lovely Anna Wintour (icy bob) has recently bought an endangered animal sanctuary and is working very closely with all the animals – mostly floor length coats, but I know she’s planning some fur lined bikinis.

What do you plan to do for yourself when the tour is complete?

I’m busy putting the finishing touches to my new fragrance. I’m so excited, you’re no-one these days without your own fragrance. All the celebs have them. Jeremy Clarkson – Eau de Phobe. Lindsey Lohan – Septum. Even Jodie Marsh has one – Visage de Merde. Mine’s called Flounce! For Men. It’s a subtle blend of melon vanilla and Formica with an undertone of Paracetamol.