The 2014 Oscars nominations are out, and Rob Partridge goes in search of the joke that is being played on we, the audience.

It’s that time of year again. *Sigh.* Sycophants come up with a list of people and films what done good and look pretteh – and ask a different group of sycophants to decide which is their favouritest. Have you seen this year’s nominations? Give me a break!

Bruce Dern and Chiwetel (Gesundheit!) Ejiofor are worthy of a nomination. Leo DiCap, I suppose, is too, but I’m pushing the boat out there. Christian Bale? This once great actor has slowly crawled so far up into his own backside he uses toothpaste on his pucker! Thanks to this, his acting has suffered immeasurably. And Matthew McConaughey. What?! WHAT?!  Just … can’t.

In the Best Actress category we see the usual pick of glams and grannies.  BUT … for once in a miracle I actually think this year’s chosen few are all worthy – even if their films are not. And yes, I’m even rooting for Sandra Bullock: talentless-but-pretty, was actually really good in Gravity and it’s the first time I’ve seen her act.

Supporting cast nominations for the men include Jonah Hill, Michael Fassbender and Bradley Cooper, whilst the women get the likes of Julia Roberts and Jennifer Lawrence. Really? Why does it feel like the Academy is playing some kind of joke on us me that they haven’t let anyone in on yet?! I swear to Dorothy I’ll kick up merry hell if either June Squibb or Sally Hawkins doesn’t take home the award! If Hill or Fassbender get anything all the kitties die! Do you hear me Hollywood? Kittens die! Be warned!

Best animated feature had better be taken by Frozen because I’m a typical homo and I love Disney – although I do have a bit of Hebrew in me, and with Walt allegedly being a big old anti-Semite I suppose I should really try to avoid it as much as possible. Okay, Frozen for me and Despicable Me 2 for the family. It’ll probably be The Wind Rises because badly drawn Japanimation is “in” right now. Give something big eyes and undefined teeth and call it Anime!

I should be amazed that American Hustle made it into the Best Picture category – but looking at everything else there, I’m not.  Namely: Philomena, Dallas Buyers Club and Her. Her!  Really? Joaquin, lovey, there’s a reason you’re not in the best actor category. Did you know he’s been nominated three times! Yes, Joaquin Phoenix has been nominated for three Oscars. Twice for best actor and once for best supporting. Now tell me the Academy has any idea what they’re doing. Can we resurrect River?

As for the rest of the nominations – you know, the ones the public don’t really care about –  it’s upsetting that Bridegroom Movie didn’t get a nomination in Best Documentary Feature and that The Lone Ranger gets a sniff at Makeup and Hairstyling? Room on the Broom should take Animated Short, but that’s for personal reasons and I haven’t seen the other four so can’t really comment. Wait a minute, of course I can comment. Room on the Broom gets it, okay?!

So on March 2nd, when Ellen steps out on stage, don’t be surprised to find me on Twitter booing and hissing when they announce the winners I don’t like – of which there will be many – while everyone else gleefully claps with joy.  The only time I’ll be applauding is when the three honorary awards – Angela Lansbury, Steve Martin and Piero Tosi – are announced. All very well deserved. Although rather than applauding, I’ll possibly take to Twitter and say “well done”. I may also have quick sip of my champagne as they announce Angela’s name and wheel her out on stage. Okay, maybe not champagne, but possibly some cheap bottle of plonk I got from the off license earlier that day in preparation to drown out my bitterness at not being invited to the ceremony and not being nominated!

Rob Partridge blogs at twelvereasonswhy.com where he writes about his constant fight with his weight, getting fit and his inner adult. His Twitter feed is @RobDoofus.